about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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