yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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