Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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