I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
