I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
