Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
