Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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