I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
