I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
