I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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