The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
