Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize