im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize