So drunk its hurt
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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