never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
