Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Randomize
