areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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