I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
