tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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