george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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