The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
