I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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