I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
