why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
