Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
