If i could tip my vagina, i would.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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