I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
