she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
