there's paper in my vomit.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
