I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize