dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Less talking, more tequila
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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