I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just want to make out with him forever
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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