i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
