Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
