I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
