I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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