how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
