Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He passed out mid-signature
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
