I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
