Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
