There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
