he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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