Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
