Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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