I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
