Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
