Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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