seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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