You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
