I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
