I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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