i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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