Umm I'm too high to move.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
