Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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