Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
