the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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